Memorial Day

My brother was in the Army….and for reasons completely unrelated to his service, he is now currently in rehab at a Veterans Hospital. And theres something about having him at the veterans rehab clinic, coupled with the fact that i recfently watch the Diary of Anne Frank and am remembering the horrors of what people went through during the Holocaust. Its something about all of that this is making extremely appreciative for the people that have fought and died for good causes all across the earth. I appreciate anyone that ever gone into battle because I know it’s something that I would never choose to do myself.

So today, as we are barbequing, enjoying family, and having a good time, please say a prayer for those that have fought and died, or those that have fought and survived but still carry heavy baggage from those days in war. Say a prayer for all those that have ever risked their lives on behalf of all of us.

Happy Memorial Day Everyone.

And Still I Rise…..

Sigh.

Do not get bitter Krystal. Do not get angry.

You know I’m just sitting here thinking about the way “some people” operate and I’m having to keep myself from getting angry. I’ve seen it so many times over the years. Someone makes them angry, so initially they feel hurt, but then they cover that up with rudeness towards the other person. They flip everything to make other people feel guilty or horrible so that instead of them accepting the responsibility that is theirs , instead they try to crush the other persons confidence, value, and self worth.

I’m so tired of being crushed. And the mind games are starting to make me really angry.

And Still I Rise by Maya Angelou

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I’ll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
‘Cause I walk like I’ve got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I’ll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don’t you take it awful hard
‘Cause I laugh like I’ve got gold mines
Diggin’ in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I’ll rise.

Out of the huts of history’s shame
I rise
Up from a past that’s rooted in pain
I rise
I’m a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that’s wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise. “

Inspiration…

I need some……..

Keep your eyes open…

I know that everyone who reads my blog will eventually tire of hearing about NEEDTOBREATHE and the amazing way that their songs minister to me. I began the day with their song “Keep your eyes open” on my heart, and though my day has been a little rough, i still wanted to end it on a NEEDTOBREATHE NOTE

I’ve said before that this song is te current soundtrack of my life. And that’s is all because the lyrics talk so much about facing your fears and the hard things in your life, and how at the end of all the craziness you go through there will be god and positivity waiting for you on the other side.

“If you could soldier on, headstrong into the storm . I’ll be here waiting on the other side. Don’t look back, the road is long. The first days of the war are gone. Take back your former throne and turn the tide.”

Just that verse alone speaks volumes to me. Life won’t always be easy, but the only way to get out of tough situations is to go through them.

Then the chorus goes on to talk about taking risks and moving beyond our comfort zones. But the meat and potatoes of the song for me is the bridge that says

“Don’t let the night become the day. Don’t take the darkness to the grave.I know pain is just a place where The will has been broken.Don’t let the fear become the hate. Don’t take the sadness to the grave. I know the fight is on the way.
When the sides have been chosen”

That is my favorite part of the song, because it talks about no matter what I’ve been through it won’t/doesnt/shouldnt define me.

Week in Review (April-May 7)

So much has happened these past 3 weeks. This is entitled a week in review post but it’s actually WEEKS in review. I stopped writing these a while back out of sheer laziness and a refusal to really think through the processes that I was going through. But now I know myself, and I know that by stopping my writing I’m really doing myself an injustice. If I really want to chronical the process of coming into personal freedom then I’ve got to write about it. That includes on my good days, bad days, days when I don’t understand what’s going on in my life, and the days that I feel I’ve got nothing worth listening to, to say.

So…..on April 15th I found out that my brother had a really bad stroke where the right side of his body was paralyzed. Dealing with this has by far, been the hardest thing I’ve had to deal with in my adult life. Of course your optimistic, and of course I trust God, but the reality of these situations is that you really have no clue how these things will work out. I spent a really scary night at the hospital with him one Thursday and honestly that night I didn’t know what would happen or if he would make it through. And everything from these past few weeks ha taught me some valuable lessons

1. God is my ultimate and only strength.
During the times spent crying and worrying about my brother. During the times when “close friends” didn’t come along and support or help…I had only god to comfort me and to go to about what was happening n my life. Crying out to his for strength and courage and then FEELING strength and courage come from Him has been amazing and unbelievable. I’m sooooo thankful that I serve a Hid who hears and go will show up when you need Him.

2.I can’t make you love me if you don’t.
Lol…sounds funny but that is he exact truth that’s been coming from my life when this situation hit. I’m very fortunate for the people around me hat have prayed, and come alongside my family during this situation. But I was particularly shocked when one person that I always held dear to me had no response at all. Their lack of response in this situation combined with years of previous responses and attitudes was really was just the icing on the cake to show me that this person is not as close as I always thought they were. And that’s okay….as much as it hurts to finally and truthfully see the state of the condition of our friendship it’s okay and it’s almost liberating to finally see the truth. I kinda feel like I was living a lie or believing a fairytale again about our closeness. And again it’s okay….I feel liberated and set free because I don’t have to strive any longer to get approval from this person. No more striving….I’m free.
God is the only one that constructed me and as long as he’s pleased I’m okay. He’s been dealing heavily with me about the expectations that I have of people and showing me that I really can’t have expectations because I am not entitled to. I can only accept what people give and love them regardless. And I move on. So I can make you love me if you don’t and I’m okay with that.

3. I also made a very big decision to start praying about some upcoming changes in my life. I won’t disclose the exact changes just because it’s way too early to say anything. But I will say that just the decision to “think” about making this change is huge. Because along with the change I know will come some very negative feedback, but I can’t live my whole life not taking chances because I’m afraid of what other people will think. At the end if the day I just want freedom and theres been one big particular thing that’s caused me to feel very trapped, and in bondage and so I may have to make some changes. Stay tuned.

That is all

I’m not broken.

I always thought that he would be the one to give me away at my wedding.
I loved too deep.
And I was wrong….about a lot
For years his opinion mattered so much to me
For years I pushed and strived for his attention, acceptance, and love.
I worked so hard.
Only to be deceived
Worked hard only to trick myself into ignoring the attitude he would give me
Ignore the rolling of the eyes
Ignore it and work harder
For love.

It’s sad, but it took a crisis to show me the truth. It took me going through one of the toughest things I’ve had to deal with in my life to realize that he isn’t there for me the way I’d be there for him. It’s a harsh realization to see that your brother isn’t your brother. Along with those scales dropping from my eyes I’m seeing that I don’t have to work for love. The realization that you may not even like me hurts. And it hurts that I feel like I’ve lost a brother….tremendously.

BUT what I value is the fact that I may not have your approval, acceptance, or love…. But I’m still standing. I used to fall to pieces from one disapproving glance from you. But separation and severance has made me stronger. I’m not broken.

Love, Life, Crisis, and Friendships.

These past two weeks been an extremely challenging because someone very close to me has been hospitalized. During times of stress, and anxiety, and honestly fear of the unknown…..you look to friends and family to encourage you and keep your head focused on the positive. The funny thing is, that those I considered close, haven’t been there at all. And I cant help but think, how much different my response would have been if it were them going through the same situation.

What I’ve learned through this, is that you cant force people to love you, or to be a good friend to you. You can only accept what they give you, and take it as face value for what it is. And you absolutely, CANNOT be bitter that they arent the great friend you’d hoped, and expected them to be.

Before me are 2 choices, be bitter about the fact that this proves we arent as close as I always believed. Or accept what you give and move on. I appreciate and value those around me that have come alongside to help and love and support, and those that dont just dont. No grudges held,  no bitterness, not focusing on the negative. But instead focusing on the light, on those that have come to help and to listen. Refusing to let anything make me bitter or angry, or to steal my joy.

Does it hurt. Absolutely. But will I live in that hurt….Absolutely not.

Tyrant Kings

“Yeah I’m feeling like a vagrant…lost in a world where no one thinks that we can make it……
Yeah I’m feeling like a vagrant in my own town. I’m like an awkward conversation.”-NEEDTOBREATHE

Ever have one of those moments where you realize that those around you don’t trust in you or believe that you can do the things that God has called you to do. Well I have…..today. I kind of already knew it but today I REALLY realized it. It’s sad, but I guess thats just the truth of the matter.

So what do you do…?

Do you shrink back and become the “Krystal” that they think you are? Do you retreat and begin to rely on their insight, their wisdom, their supposed direction for your life.

No. You stand. Hold your ground. And continue to walk according to the path God has laid before you. And most importantly, you cling with all your being to the truth that God will always and forever be your only and ultimate source. Hold dearly to that.

“I ain’t gon stop until I do.” -NEEDTOBREATHE

It does not do to dwell on dreams.

” It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.”

Our deepest desires aren’t always what God wants for us. They could be soulish. They could be the monster inside of each of us that will devour us.

For days, months, weeks I’ve been obsessing, inquiring, and wrestling with god and myself about deeply held dreams and hopes within me. Two things have been happening in my life and I’ve been trying to make them fit together and to make sense of each. On one hand God is saying your free, free to live and pursue the things I’ve placed in your heart. And on the other hand my default desire is the music industry and pursuing that dream…and honestly, by dream I mean the fame, wealth, self recognition, and worth that I would get through “making it” in that industry. To pursue that route would be to pursue the route of self validation and recognition for Krystal. There’d be selfishness and it would be myself that I was promoting and trying to prove. Honestly in had no idea how hugely this desire was apart of me and in me until God started to unveil and reveal the true state of my heart. I want recognition. I want validation, and I want the whole world to see and agree that I am great.

So that desire has been the blinding consideration that I’ve been grappling with and am trying to figure out in my mind. These past few days I’ve been growing more and more restless. More and more desiring to explore, fulfill, and find the endless possibilities out there for me. And more and more eaten up with just the thought that I may be missing something.

As days pass the answer becomes more clear for me, the challenge now is accepting it..

“It gives us neither knowledge or truth”

“10 seconds af…

“10 seconds after I die, it won’t matter how many folks I persuaded to follow me.  What will matter are the strides I made to point people to Your Son.”

An honest and transparent excerpt from one of my favorite musical artists JImmy Needham. To read it in it’s entirety visit here

https://www.facebook.com/notes/jimmy-needham/check-out-my-new-blog-clearing-the-stage-day-one/10150612369629149?__adt=4

And then after reading ponder the state of your own heart and the true purpose of our lives….as I am doing now 

Much Love,

Krystal